7/2017
Mary wanted to give her granddaughter a nice gift for her birthday. She watches TV and cable a lot so she knew that hoverboards were all the rage with the young. She, of course, didn’t understand how they worked. But she had grown up with the Lost In Space (1965-1968) generation and was fascinated with science fiction-like technology.
So, Mary bought her granddaughter a hoverboard. She went all out and got the deluxe model with 3 extra batteries that only took 16 minutes to recharge. This thing had a 12-mile range and a top speed of 16 MPH. It had lights and unlike the cheapo models, it had only one wheel. It had 2 on-board sonars and was Bluetooth capable for onboard music from your iPhone while you hoover.
Her granddaughter was out with her Dad when Mary got home with the new gift. She was excited and called her grandson in to help her open the package and get it ready to use. Needless to say, her grandson was also fascinated with the gift. He had it up and running in a matter of minutes and was hovering around the living room like he was born on it.
“Wow, this is really cool grandma!” said her grandson.
“Well, it certainly looks fun,” said Mary.
“Shelly is really really gonna like this, unless you just wanna give it to me instead,” said her grandson, grinning conspiratorially from ear to ear. Nothing but sibling loyalty in this family.
“Your birthday is next month, you’ll just have to wait and see what I decide to get you,” said Mary with a false tone of derision.
Mary was quiet for a few moments, deep in thought when she realized her grandson had said something; “Are you all right grandma?”
“Yes, I am,” said Mary with a big smile on her face. Then surprising even herself, she said, “I want to try that thing!”
“Uh, Grandma, I don’t think that’s a good idea. These things can be tricky and are made for young people,” said her grandson, shocked but strangely proud of the gumption Grandma showed.
“You shush your mouth sonny, I’ll show you that old people can be just as much fun as you little smarty mouths,” she said as she put the device on the ground in front of her. She lifted her left foot and stepped onto the left side of the board’s center wheel. Then, holding on to her grandson’s right shoulder with her left hand she stepped up with her right foot and leveled the board on the wheel. She felt a rush of exhilaration as she seemed to be just floating in the air. She felt like she was 8 years old participating in an episode of Lost in Space, in real time.
And then, she was going 16 MPH straight at the 54″ plasma TV that her son and daughter in law had bought for her last year for Christmas. She didn’t make it to the TV, having fallen off very abruptly, crashing into the coffee table; but the hoover board did and she wouldn’t be watching Lost in Space reruns on that TV ever again.
That was yesterday. Today, Mary went to surgery to have her left hip and knee replaced. It is Shelly’s 13th birthday and Mary is 72 years old and wouldn’t be 73 for another 6 months. She had a lot of family support. Her son, daughter in law and grandson were there, in the surgery waiting room.
Shelly was there also, but against her will, “Like what? They need me to do the surgery or something?” Shelly was really pissed because grandma had ruined her birthday. The hoverboard was fried because the batteries dislodged and it caught on fire when it hit the new plasma screen TV and because she now can’t watch her favorite reality shows on MTV because the TV is broken. Crazy old lady, she thought.
So, as said by Roscoe Lee Brown playing the character of Jebediah Nightlinger in the 1972 movie The Cowboys, “If that isn’t true, it should be.”
Your grumpy Uncle/Brother Dave. (1)
- Disclaimer: The above recitation is only slightly embellished. The event did occur, but the names were changed to protect the participants.
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