Category: Satire,irony, sarcasm

The twelve days of ER Christmas*

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Some nasty ass mental health feet.
On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Two bloody gloves.
On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Three Stroke Alerts!
On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Four call-lights blinking.
On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Five GI bleeds.
On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Six obese a laying.
On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Seven sent to heaven.
On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Eight c-PAP paping.
On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Nine abscess lancing!
On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Ten Foley’s draining.
On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Eleven bedbugs crawling.
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,
Twelve pounds of smegma!

From your grumpy Uncle Dave.

• Sung to the tune of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Lyrics by Corey.

Saint Joe’s most eligible bachelor, this month, is a patient I saw the other day. He “accidentally” shot himself in the leg with his 9 mm pistol. He was “cleaning” it when it discharged. The bullet trajectory entered the thigh from the medial aspect and exited the thigh on the lateral posterior aspect. In other words it was a horizontal trajectory.

One thing I have come to view as a red flag for lying is the statement, “I was cleaning it and didn’t know it was loaded when it went off.” To me that translates into a self inflicted GSW or one that was inflicted by someone else, probably because the victim was doing something he shouldn’t be doing.

But the key to this whole thing is the meth pipe that fell out of his pants when he sat down on the bed.

Most tweakers pick at their skin, picking at bugs or worms that they are hallucinating are on or under their skin.

I figure he decided to just shoot them and when he realized what he had done, he tried to come up with a more plausible explanation.

From your grumpy Uncle Dave.

October 15, 2019

We are incessantly barraged with the notion that Man and his condemn-able combustion engines are the cause of global warming. Right? But, …

May 27, 2019 issue of Time magazine has an article on the rising levels of carbon dioxide, which causes the greenhouse effect, which causes global warming. Seems that the levels are reaching highs that haven’t been seen since 3 million years ago.

Wonder what our Pliocene ancestors 3 million years ago thought about their cars causing global warming ?1

From your grumpy Uncle Dave

1. I know, humans may or may not have been there then.

I grew up hearing my grandmother say, “Never tell anyone anything because then they will be smarter than you. They will know what they know and what you know, too.”

But now, I have another reason to not tell anyone anything.

See, Fox News web site had an article about a little girl that had a sudden onset of paralysis for no apparent reason. Her mother took her to the Cincinnati Children’s Hospital, where the child was admitted.(1) While in the hospital, the mother found 2 ticks behind the child’s ear. The tics were removed and the paralysis resolved.

“The infectious disease doctor of 30 years said he’s never seen [anything] like it,” Avery’s grandfather, Dave Goslin, told Fox 19.

First off, I’m not sure, but I think the infectious disease doctor was aware of tick paralysis and just hadn’t seen a case in his practice. I hope so, because tick paralysis is well known and considered in any case of new onset paralysis in the fields of infectious disease, neurology, primary care and emergency medicine.

Second, it is embarrassingly obvious that somebody didn’t do a very good physical exam when the girl was admitted to the hospital.

So, now I say, “Never tell anybody anything because you may read about it on FoxNews.com

From your grumpy Uncle Dave, sure that CCH is embarrassed.

1. https://www.foxnews.com/health/ohio-girl-paralyzed-tick-bite

I’ve given up and accepted cell phones. I’ll admit that they are here to stay, until the next new thing. But, I noticed a new feature on the text part of my phone. It’s this little icon in the lower right corner of the “keyboard”.

If you press and hold it you can talk and the recipient of the message can hear it instead of read it.

Like calling them on the phone and leaving a message if they don’t answer.

I can’t believe I paid $600 for this stupid shit.

Your grumpy Uncle Dave.

Weary