I saw a patient the other day that had a gun shot wound in the foot. He said that he was just walking along when he heard a loud pop and felt something squishy in his shoe. When he took his shoe off there was a lot of blood in his shoe and a hole in the top of his foot. So, he came to us to check it out.
But there was a hole in the bottom of the foot, also (indicating that the trajectory of the bullet was vertical. What, are aliens shooting people from above these days?). The x-ray of his foot confirmed the track the bullet took through his foot, top to bottom. Then when we took his pants off, we found he had powder burns along the inside of the thigh of the same leg.
Busted. You did it dude, so why are you trying to blame some other dude?
Simple questions that need to be addressed, from your grumpy Uncle Dave.
A patient came to me complaining of back pain, right between the shoulder blades. He said that it radiated to the chest and that it felt like a tearing sensation. He was short of breath and said the pain worsened when he breathed. When he tried to lay down on the stretcher, he promptly sat up and yelped in pain.
I thought I had a dissecting thoracic aneurysm. Unfortunately for me and fortunately for the patient, his work up was stone-cold normal.
I didn’t have a patient with a dissecting thoracic aneurysm, I had a scammer. And I ain’t no virgin when it comes to scammers. These days, the best place for a lay person to find such an accurate description of a dissecting thoracic aneurysm is Google.
Thanks Google, you just provided the means to scam thousands of health care dollars and a little morphine.
Google Patients, a whole new category of malingerers.
Theorem #1 Please understand that I am not against children learning by experience, exploring their world and growing up with intimate knowledge of their universe. But, I do feel that there is a limit to this philosophy. For instance, one would not stand by while their child learned the consequences of Russian Roulette or hide in a box in the middle of the freeway.
When a child suffers an injury doing something dangerous, the same injury should be inflicted on the parents.
Theorem #2 In my business, it is common for the suits to criticize our actions. Suits refers to those that do not practice or perform in the daily activities of our job. Our refers to those of us that do the work. So, when criticized, our response should be,
You are absolutely right! I am a fuck-up and I think you should job-shadow me for the next 6 months to make sure that I do everything exactly like you think it should be done. Starting tonight.
Theorem #3 I’m pretty sure that most everyone has heard the term, “When the shit hits the fan.” It refers to those times when everything that could go wrong does go wrong and at times that are as busy as they possibly could be, and then some.
When the shit hits the fan, notice that there is no sighting device on the fan.
Everyone wants to know which story is the real one. All I can say is reread the post, the purpose of the post is that it doesn’t matter what I say. So, here are the results of the unofficial survey. As you can see, getting up and walking into a door jam (3) won the day. While the fall from the second story deck (5) took second place, almost everyone that voted for story #3 commented, “But, that story #5 was a real tempting choice.” I think a lot of people didn’t officially vote for #5 because they were afraid they might offend me.
And, if it makes most of you happier, the wife, after laughing at story #5, voted for story #3. So you’re in good company.
But the real winner is Jason, who said that all 5 were the right story, because it was a really bad day!
Angie had been away for a few days, watching the grandkids. When she came home, this is what she saw.
I offered no explanation and, at first, she didn’t ask. But eventually, curiosity won and she did. I told her the story, but she laughed and said she didn’t believe me.
There is the rub.
It doesn’t matter what I say, the observer will make up their mind based on how I look and their impression of me. So, here I present the 5 stories. You choose which one you like, or make up your own.
Story 1
I got hit with a curling iron.
Story 2
Sung to the tune of “Up Against The Wall Redneck Mother,” He’s 68 and drinking in a honky-tonk, Kicking hippies asses and raising hell.
Story 3
I got up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom, didn’t turn on a light but for some reason was wearing my glasses and collided with a door jam.
Story 4
I was asked if it was true that I had quit, retired or been fired? Here, I introduce the proverbial turn of the phrase, “You should see the other guy!”
Story 5
There might have been some alcohol involved late one night when I went out on the back deck to check the new porch lights I was testing before installing. These were those solar-charged LEDs that don’t put out any illumination and just mark a path to follow that are so popular these days. I was leaning over the rail to examine a prime site to install them in the next day, when I felt something furry brush my leg. Yes, it did startle me because we do have coyotes, foxes, raccoons, snakes and stray dogs that are occasionally found on the deck, even in the house. When I jerked away, I lost my balance and fell over the railing onto the driveway 12 feet down. It is a split level with a second story deck. Butt naked, I woke up the next morning looking like this. My glasses were broken, I hurt on the left from my forehead to my waist. I had double vision, but hey, that’s been there for a couple of years so that wasn’t of any concern. I didn’t have any open wounds, so luckily I didn’t have to come to the ED to get stitches.
So, here I have provided you with 5 options, in case you do not feel you are the creative sort. As I said, think what you want. If you want to see what other’s think, click here for The Unofficial Survey results.
Post Easter update from your grumpy Uncle/Brother, Dave.
Hubbard, Ray Wiley. “Up Against the Wall Redneck Mother.” Viva Terlingua. MCA Nashville Records, 1973.
