Category: Allegory, parable, rhetoric

Seatbelt Responsibilities

November 2017

A conversation I had with my grand daughter during a recent visit.

I was going to visit my sister and said, “I’m going over to your Aunts.”

My grand daughter said, “Can I go with you?”

“Sure Pumpkin, hop in the car.”

We are sitting in the driveway while I buckle my seat belt and she says, “I don’t have to use the seat belt when we are just driving around the neighborhood.  We have to take responsibility for our actions.  So if I die, I will take responsibilities for my action.”

“Oh. Glad to know I’m off the hook for that.”

I won’t say who choked up spewing his coffee when I told this story minutes later, but my brother is busted.

From your grumpy Uncle/Brother Dave.

Read the Instruction Manual

November, 2017

My Brother and I are as different as night and day.

One particular example is instructions or manuals that come with a new purchase that may require assembly or specific operating instructions.  I will sit down and read them and my brother throws them away without a glance.

My point isn’t that one way is right and the other wrong.  It is simply that I enjoy reading humor.

The case in point here is a new chop saw from Harbor Freight (China).  The instruction/assembly manual has some points that I’d like to share to illustrate my point.  I will admit that the translation from Chinese to “English” has improved in the past 15 or so years, but they aren’t there yet.

So, in the operating-instructions section of the manual, one is instructed to…

“…8. Use two hands and hold the workpiece [SIC] securely against table and fence at all times.
9. Press down lightly to cut the material.
…
10. When cut is completed, raise the blade assembly, release the trigger, wait for the Blade to stop turning, release the Clamp and remove the work material from the saw.
…”

As I interpret this, one should either; 1) Use your chin to lower the blade cutting mechanism to cut the work piece, since both hands are holding the work piece, and use the tongue to operate the trigger mechanism. or 2) Use your third hand to lower the cutting mechanism and operate the trigger because your other two hands are holding the work piece.  I guess this could be performed in a 2 person manner.

And on the next page, we find instructions on Cleaning, Maintenance and Lubrication. Here we are told,

“…3. Periodically, wear ANSI-approved safety goggles and NOISH-approved breathing protection and… .”

I will leave it up to you guys to figure out what ANSI and NOISH are and to what type of PPE (personal protection equipment) that refers.  I only want to focus on the word “periodically”.  I assume that the statement means that the Chinese are able to predict when, where and how accidents will occur and that at these times the safety equipment should be worn, but not necessarily at other times.

Musings from your grumpy Uncle/Brother Dave, who would go on for ever, doesn’t want to instill too much fun here.

Every-man’s Expert

November 2017

This year, I hired a college student for the first time to mow the grass and other odd jobs from time to time, as opposed to the usual high school student.  She turned out to be a women’s basketball scholarship student at a local college and turned out to be a real good worker.  When I first talked to her about the job, I asked if she had any transportation.  She said other than her 2 legs, no she didn’t.  She was fully prepared to walk the 2 miles to work from town.

She invited and I agreed to come to see her play basketball.  The wife was all for the idea, having been a basketball player in high school.  So, we went to the Homecoming game at the College.

At 5′ 9″ at my tallest, I’ve never had much interest in basketball.  But, I’m willing and by the time the game was over, I was ready to coach college basketball.  I knew each player on each team and what each one did best.  And what they did wrong.  And what they should do to improve.

Hell this round ball stuff is easy.

BTW, this was the third time in my life I’ve seen a basketball game live and the third time I’ve watched any basketball game from beginning to end.  The first 2 were 8 year old grand daughters.

Leisure time for your grumpy Uncle/Brother Dave.

Weary

I Don’t do Yoga

September, 2017

When the grandson started school this year, his teacher told the class on the first day that they would start the day with yoga exercises.  The grandson told the teacher on the first day that he did not do yoga.  So, he was told to walk laps around the desk/table while the others did their yoga.

There are now 3 other kids walking.  Not doing yoga.

I say, “Way to go!”

Your grumpy Uncle/Brother Dave, not so fondly remembering those elementary school teachers.

Weary

The Great American Eclipse Eclipse

8/22/2017

No, NO!  Calm down, it’s OK.  We survived the Great American Eclipse.  No alien hordes descended on the Heartland, as predicted.

The eclipse predictors said we would experience an influx of up to 800,000 visitors to the NW Missouri – NE Kansas area.  It was estimated that there would be an increase of 14,000 inbound flights to Rosecrans Regional Airport.  Land owners were dedicating their pastures to camping facilities, for a reasonable price of course.  The local law enforcement agencies canceled leave and scheduled extra personnel for appropriate shifts to cover the event.  It was rumored that the Bridge over the Missouri river would be closed because it was feared that gaukers would stop on the bridge to view the event, possibly causing it to collapse from the excessive weight.  And, that the Interstate would be closed for the same reason. The Children’s Hospital sent a dedicated mobile ICU and crew to await the tragedy that was expected to become some hapless child, in fear that transfers would be delayed with the traffic congestion from eclipsers.  The local EMS board studied the local traffic routes that would need to be taken by EMS personnel responding to mass casualties. For them, leave was canceled and extra staff was on hand to deal with the mass hordes. The local retailers over stocked the shelves in order to, well you know. Our local mega-market had a stocking crew of about 150 loading the shelves out of boxes that lined the aisles so full you almost couldn’t walk down them. The airport across the river, yep the very one that was supposed to get 14,000 extra inbound flights, sold tickets to allow visitors onto the flight deck to watch the eclipse. They sold out. There were digital signs along the highways texting drivers that the eclipse was coming 8/21 and to expect high traffic loads.

Our neighbors found out that a University professor had done his own calculations and determined that the very best viewing site was in the corn field on our property’s southern border. They established a viewing site in a waterway between 2 cornfields. They hung a banner from the derelict windmill that proclaimed it “The Great American Eclipse Park.” They tied balloons filled with helium to the corn plants lining the waterway and had a porta-potty brought in.

In our county, we have 42 feet of top soil. That’s why we always caution visitors to not pull off rock roads if it has been raining or else you may never see your car again. Well, it rained for 2 days and waterways are designed to funnel water from the rain through it’s middle to the nearest creek. Needless to say it was wet.

The eclipsers set up tents to view the eclipse on Monday because it was cloudy and might rain. It did.

It rained, it was cloudy and there was little to no eclipse viewing. Oh, it turned dark and all, but lacked the beautiful cut of the moon traversing the sun and coming to a head with the “diamond ring” that was shown on TV and cable for the past many months.

Actually, that’s not all that busted.

There was no 14,000 inbound flights of private and commercial flights bringing solar seekers to the great Midland viewing area. In fact, had they arrived, assuming a coordination of flight plans, that would have meant about 8 flights per minute for 30 hours. Not likely for our little airport.

There were very few campers taking advantage of the unimproved campgrounds.  Expectant farmers went bust.

There were no more than the usual cars on the roads to read the text messages about the increased traffic that wasn’t there.

The ER and EMS were busy, but no more than our usual busy and essentially no eclipsers. No sunburns, dehydration, alcohol overdoses, drug overdoses and no burnt corneas. No riot in the streets.

And I missed it. I had my bags all packed and ready to go. The Mother Ship landed and I slept through it. I guess I’ll have to wait for the next eclipse to get back home.

Your grumpy alien Uncle/Brother Dave.