8/22/2017
No, NO! Calm down, it’s OK. We survived the Great American Eclipse. No alien hordes descended on the Heartland, as predicted.
The eclipse predictors said we would experience an influx of up to 800,000 visitors to the NW Missouri – NE Kansas area. It was estimated that there would be an increase of 14,000 inbound flights to Rosecrans Regional Airport. Land owners were dedicating their pastures to camping facilities, for a reasonable price of course. The local law enforcement agencies canceled leave and scheduled extra personnel for appropriate shifts to cover the event. It was rumored that the Bridge over the Missouri river would be closed because it was feared that gaukers would stop on the bridge to view the event, possibly causing it to collapse from the excessive weight. And, that the Interstate would be closed for the same reason. The Children’s Hospital sent a dedicated mobile ICU and crew to await the tragedy that was expected to become some hapless child, in fear that transfers would be delayed with the traffic congestion from eclipsers. The local EMS board studied the local traffic routes that would need to be taken by EMS personnel responding to mass casualties. For them, leave was canceled and extra staff was on hand to deal with the mass hordes. The local retailers over stocked the shelves in order to, well you know. Our local mega-market had a stocking crew of about 150 loading the shelves out of boxes that lined the aisles so full you almost couldn’t walk down them. The airport across the river, yep the very one that was supposed to get 14,000 extra inbound flights, sold tickets to allow visitors onto the flight deck to watch the eclipse. They sold out. There were digital signs along the highways texting drivers that the eclipse was coming 8/21 and to expect high traffic loads.
Our neighbors found out that a University professor had done his own calculations and determined that the very best viewing site was in the corn field on our property’s southern border. They established a viewing site in a waterway between 2 cornfields. They hung a banner from the derelict windmill that proclaimed it “The Great American Eclipse Park.” They tied balloons filled with helium to the corn plants lining the waterway and had a porta-potty brought in.
In our county, we have 42 feet of top soil. That’s why we always caution visitors to not pull off rock roads if it has been raining or else you may never see your car again. Well, it rained for 2 days and waterways are designed to funnel water from the rain through it’s middle to the nearest creek. Needless to say it was wet.
The eclipsers set up tents to view the eclipse on Monday because it was cloudy and might rain. It did.
It rained, it was cloudy and there was little to no eclipse viewing. Oh, it turned dark and all, but lacked the beautiful cut of the moon traversing the sun and coming to a head with the “diamond ring” that was shown on TV and cable for the past many months.
Actually, that’s not all that busted.
There was no 14,000 inbound flights of private and commercial flights bringing solar seekers to the great Midland viewing area. In fact, had they arrived, assuming a coordination of flight plans, that would have meant about 8 flights per minute for 30 hours. Not likely for our little airport.
There were very few campers taking advantage of the unimproved campgrounds. Expectant farmers went bust.
There were no more than the usual cars on the roads to read the text messages about the increased traffic that wasn’t there.
The ER and EMS were busy, but no more than our usual busy and essentially no eclipsers. No sunburns, dehydration, alcohol overdoses, drug overdoses and no burnt corneas. No riot in the streets.
And I missed it. I had my bags all packed and ready to go. The Mother Ship landed and I slept through it. I guess I’ll have to wait for the next eclipse to get back home.
Your grumpy alien Uncle/Brother Dave.